Article by Patrick 'twisted' Hardy
Raven Software released miscellaneous levels for the community, such
as:
5. Death Valley. Prepare to eliminate the rare pigmy shrew
that has been wreaking pure evil on the cactuses. Your scenery includes
a lot of dirt, and well...dirt. Make sure you wear something cool and bring
plenty of water because it’s hot as hell! Look over there, is that Don King
sitting at a pool with Tyson? Oh wait, that’s only my imagination playing
tricks on me, or is it!? Some of the enemies you face include fuzzy hares
and treacherous ants that can bite if they get too close.
4. White House. On your left, you will spot the Red Room, and over
behind the President’s desk is Monica. Looks like she ate those powdered
donuts way too fast, she needs a napkin! Some objectives that must be solved
include destroying those whining censor people who think online gamers are
trained killers. Also, don’t hesitate to visit good old Bill and take a
peek at his cigar collection. The only resistance you will find here is
Abe Lincoln’s ghost, who has been very disgruntled after JFK stole his top
hat.
| 3. McDonald’s. Mullins will give retirement another thought
after he stops by to get a burger before he heads to The Shop. It
all starts in the drive thru where the you can’t understand what the
damn employee is saying through the speaker. Finally, after waiting
in line for 2 hours, you decide to take matters into your own hands,
especially when they forgot to hold the tomatoes. But beware, you
must dodge smashed fries on the floor inside and cross the ball pit,
which hasn’t been cleaned out in 5 years. To add insult to injury,
the manager of the crappy establishment is OJ Simpson and refuses
to believe that his staff did anything wrong. Your only goal will
be to steal the Heisman trophy off OJ’s desk. |
 |
2. Reese’s Room. It may seem harmless at first, but play at your
own risk. Keep in mind that reese has never once cleaned his room and that
the area is supposedly radioactive. Some novelties encountered in the room
include the Twisted Shrine, made out of Soldier of Fortune boxes (don’t
ask how he made it). Steer clear of his closet which is rumored to contain
gym socks that have a mind of their own and will strike at any moment. If
you feel tired, do not even think of taking a nap on his bed. It is totally
made out of pizza boxes, thanks to the countless hours of him staying inside
playing Soldier of Fortune and writing up the weekly Mailbag. On a side
note, your mission is to rescue Kenn Hoekstra who has been held captive
there for quite some time.
1. Nike Sweatshop. You’ve heard about this place, now it’s time to
clean up the mess. Don your gas mask as you infiltrate their base and put
an end to cheap labor. Watch out for Kathy Lee who may seem nice, but is
actually a deadly assassin. NBA players are the slave drivers that must
be extinguished before they decide to go on strike again. Do not tell anyone
about the deal you made by giving a little boy 10 cents for the pair of
Air Jordan’s. |
